John Howard at the Pearly Gates

One day John Howard drops dead. (Stop cheering and read on.)

He arrives at the Pearly Gates, to be told by St Peter: "We seldom see a Liberal, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem", says Howard. "Just let me in, I'm a good Christian."

But St Peter tells him it's not that simple. Under God's new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, Howard must spend one day in hell and one day in heaven before choosing where he'll live for eternity.

And with that, St Peter rings the bell, an elevator arrives, and down Howard goes, non-stop, to hell. However, when the doors open Howard finds himself on a lush golf course. The sun is shining, the day is perfect, and standing in front of a beautiful clubhouse is Bob Menzies, Billy McMahon, Billy Hughes, Joh Bjelke-Petersen, Frank and Kerry Packer, Bob Askin, Bob Santamaria, and many more. They all run to hug him and talk about the old times they had getting rich. They play a round of golf, have a lot of laughs, dine in the club on lobster and champagne, and are having such a good time that, before Howard realises, it's time to go.

Back in heaven, St Peter takes him inside where, for 24 hours, Howard hangs out with a bunch of ordinary, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, eat simply, talk about things other than money and treat each other
decently. Not a broken promise or short-arse joke among them, but what Howard notices most is that he doesn't see anybody he knows. The day over, Howard tells St Peter: "Heaven has been delightful but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."

So back into the elevator and down he goes, only this time when the doors open he's surrounded by endless scorched earth covered with smog and filth, while all his friends are chained together in rags and are filling black drums with toxic waste. The Devil appears.

"I don't understand," stammers Howard. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and I ate lobster and drank champagne with all my friends. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland and everybody is miserable!"

The Devil puts an arm around him, smiling, and says silkily: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Farewell to Karen

Last week with great sadness we farewelled Karen , an NTEU staff member who has helped a great number of members with their difficulties over the years.

Karen has taken up a secondment opportunity at the La Trobe branch for the next six months and we are all looking forward to having her back at the end of that time. We have received many lovely emails in the office from members talking about how much she is appreciated and how greatly she will be missed.

I can attest to the fact that it is impossible to go to lunch with Karen without at least 3 members coming up to Karen to thank her for helping them and to have a chat, and she always remembered everyone's name and circumstances and showed genuine interest in how they were going.

There will be many who will panic at the sight of Karen's empty desk, but we hope that this will be a temporary disaster. Flowers and chocolates can be directed to the La Trobe branch in case you want to help us persuade Karen that she really cannot live without the Monash members!

Branch Executive December 2006

From left: Andrew Barnden (Treasurer), Ann Maharaj (Vice-President - Academic), Carol Williams (President), Joshua Beggs (Vice-President - General)

Charging for dial-in access? Another tax on the staff?

The secret squirrel has been informed through the forest underground that Monash will start charging staff for dial-in access to Monash. Anyone heard anything on this issue, let us know! Email us at nteu@monash.edu.au.

Yours truly,
Secret Squirrel